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Sample Tutor Response

 

Tutor Name:

Petia Ouzounova

Session Completed: 9/19/98, 11:58

Overall impression of paper:

Dear Sally,
Thank you for submitting your paper to the OWL. I will first offer you my overall impression of the paper, its purpose, organization, and development. Then, I'll insert some concrete suggestions within your paper. My suggestions inside your paper will be surrounded by** ** and separated from the previous text with an extra line. You can either print them, hi-lite them, consider them for your revision, and then delete them, or you can revise on the computer and delete them as you consider them.

Sally, your paper is really good. You don't mention what kind of paper this is, but I believe it is an argumentative paper. Your introduction is strong. You also have a thesis that gives your paper a focus. I really like the first two issues mentioned in your thesis. At first I thought they overlap to an extent, but after reading your support, I saw that you were able to provide different supporting details for these two issues. The third reason in your thesis, however, does not sound like something you are convinced about. It seems that you don't know for sure if the teachers will be the same sex, because you end your thesis with a question about that. The thesis provides the focus for your paper, the points you will be arguing, the points you KNOW about. Are there talks about the teachers being the same sex? If so, then you can still keep this as the third argument in your thesis but I suggest you rewrite it as a statement rather than a question. If you are not sure about that, though, you might think about another argument to include in your thesis.

The overall development of your essay is also good. You present the supporting details in the correct order, following your thesis.I suggest you start each paragraph in the body of your paper with a topic sentence, i.e. by telling the reader which point of the thesis will be discussed in it. Thus,the topic sentence of your first paragraph should mention that separating students in the classroom will affect students' social skills and behaviors at an early age; the topic sentence for the second paragraph will mention that this separation also leaves students naive about interactions with the opposite sex; and the last paragraph of the body of your paper should present the third point you will be supporting.

You seem to have enough supporting details for the first two issues in your thesis. The support for your third one, though, is very weak. In fact, you haven't supported it at all. You have only included one sentence giving some experts' opinion, but have failed to develop it. You definitely need to work on this part.

You also need a conclusion. It should summarize your main points (the ones you mention in the thesis), and will provide your reader with a sense of conclusion, so that the reader is not left hanging, expecting something else to happen in the paper.

Overall, you have a strong paper. With a few more revisions, it will be even more convincing.

You don't have any serious grammar or other errors. You have a few punctuation errors, one fragment, a couple of instances of wrong word choice, and a couple others.I'll point those inside your paper. Look for the ** **.

If you decide to send your revised paper to the OWl one more time before it is due, I'll be happy to look at it again. If not, good luck and I'm looking forward to hearing from you again.

Take care,

Petia

 

Specific comments about paper:

Separation in
Public Schools

Denver Public Elementary schools have re-opened for the fall semester with new twists. Mitchell Elementary School will initiate a pilot program that will separate students --putting all boys in one classroom and all girls in another classroomó-

**I suggest you put a period here. First, your previous sentence becomes too long; secondly, the following sentence is your thesis, so you want to give it the importance it carries in your paper by separating it as a sentence of its own.**

thispractice does not benefit the children for the following reasons: their social skills and behaviors are affected at an early age, they are naive about the interactions with someone of the opposite sex and will the teachers be of the same sex as the children they are teaching?

**This appears to be the first paragraph of the body of the paper. As I suggested earlier, introduce the part of the thesis you'll be writing about in a topic sentence.**

It is very likely that some teachers believe this approach reduces social pressures. However, we must consider the fact that when children are separated by gender

**This is the place where the two thoughts in your complex sentence meet. When reading aloud, you signify that by makind a short pause. in writing, we signify that with a comma.**

they are not being taught how to make the proper adjustments and decisions that correspond with the learning process of societyís everyday life.

**What do you mean by 'the learning process of society's everyday life?**

For instance

**We separate "for instance," and "for example" from the rest of the sentence with a comma. I'm sure you know that because you use comma correctly further down in your paper.*

children that may not have a sibling of the opposite sex would not learn how to share, play and work with a child of the opposite sex if they were not all in the same classroom;

**Why don't you offer the second example in a new, complete sentence? The second example deals with a completely different aspect of the issues under discussion and you need to show that by making it a sentence of its own.**

another example would be that this separation gives a child who may already be living in a dysfunctional environment at home where there is a poor relationship between the parents the impression that this is the correct way to live in todayís society. Furthermore,

**I like your transition. Correctly, you put a comma after it.**

the childís interaction with a member of the opposite sex is important because it has a great influence on how they communicate in the classroom with one another as well as in public.

** PLease, read this sentence again. You use singular in "the child's interaction," but plural in "how they communicate..." You need to stick to the singular or plural. can you fix that on your own?**
For instance,

**Good example of correct comma use."

a class that contained a single gender would be create

**Reread this part of the sentence again. Is this a correct verb form "would be create?" **

a greater distraction than a class that contained bother

**I'm sure you don't mean "bother" here.**

genders. The children would feel more comfortable talking and playing around with each other whereas, if both genders were in the same
classroom

**Can you read this sentence aloud? Isn't this a place where two thoughts meet? What do you need to show it in writing?**

they would be a little shy and uncomfortable.

**I've reread this argument a few times and it still seems to me that it can be used from your opposition to show why separate classrooms will ease the learning process. Can you maybe add to it to show better how it supports your point.**

They also are able to mentor with each other when both genders are
included in the classroom. For example

**What do you need here?**

if one can run, jump, add or subtract better than the other

**This is another example when you need a comma. The "if-clause" introduces the condition, and it is separated from the main clause by a comma. Also, by "one" do you mean "one gender?" Do you really believe that these abilities are based on gender?**

the opposite sex can provide a different prospective

**You mean "perspective" here. "Prospective" means relating to the future, while perspective means view, aspect.**

on how that task or exercise can be done.

Although some teachers believe that one of the benefits of separate classes would be that the students would not be preoccupied at this early age with school crushes, romances and pleasing the opposite sex.

**This is the fragment I mentioned earlier. Read this sentence aloud and see if it sounds complete. It doesn't, does it? You can either make it into your topic sentence for the second paragraph by uniting it with the sentence below, or you can get rid of "although' which introduces subordinate clauses and thus, obtain a complete sentence. If you choose the second approach, think of a transition word to put at the beginning of the second sentence.**

They are naïve and become confused about the relationships that actually occur between boys and girls when they are separated by gender. It creates an atmosphere among the students that itís wrong to associate or interact with a member of the opposite sex during the school day. Meanwhile, in everyday life men and women interact closely together while working, during leisure time and in romantic situations. Boys should respect girls and realize that they cannot physically treat them as they would another boy and vice-versa. How can this be learned if they are separated and donít have the opportunity to see what the consequences are.

**Is the above sentence a question? Why do you have a period at the end?**

Statistics have shown that girls are more mature than boys at this age and become interested in boys, while boys are still in that ìgirls are ickyî stage. Would this open up a whole new can of worms of girls and boys believing that same sex relationships are acceptable?

Furthermore, should the teachers be of the same sex? Some experts say no it affects the childís learning ability, limits their choices, and the child might be more comfortable with a teacher of the opposite sex.

**This is the paragraph you need to develop by giving more supporting details and specific examples. You also need to think of a conclusion."

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