Work with a Writing Tutor

About Online Tutoring

Sample Tutor Response

 

Tutor Name:

Maria Darby

Session Completed: 1/21/98, 2:39

Overall impression of paper:

Naomi, overall you have the right idea about how to write this paragraph. First, I will answer your question and then I will address the issues you checked off: Essay Purpose, Paragraph Organization and Paragraph Connections. Finally, I will close with a few suggestions. OK?

 

Specific comments about paper:

Your question: "How can I work on run-on and how to bringeverything into one complete thought?" A run-on sentence contains two or more ideas that are put together with no punctuation between them except for perhaps a comma. There are several ways to eliminate run-ons. Sometimes you can add punctuation and/or a connecting word. Other times it is easier to rewrite the sentences into shorter sentences with only one main idea per sentence. An example of a run-on in your paper is, "First, let us talk about tuition in Ghana the student needs to start paying immdiately when he or she enters the classroom, but back in U.S.A., tuition is not paid till the individual person decides to go to college." You can avoid this run-on by making the first part, "First, let us talk about tuition in Ghana" into a separate sentence.

The purpose of the essay, or in this case the paragraph, is to explain the differences, the contrasts, between the educational system in the U.S. and the educational system in Ghana. You did this quite well by choosing three points to compare: tuition, privileges, and fashion. You might want to state what you will compare early on in the paragraph. For example, you could write something like, "We can compare the tuition, privileges and fashion in the educational systems of the U.S., which is an industrialized country,with Ghana, which is a developing country." This way your readers will know from the start what the paragraph will include.

Other than a specific topic sentence, the organization of the paragraph is good. You introduce each point ofcomparison and then you write about how it is different in each country. A transition introducing fashion would be helpful. Something like: The third major difference is the clothing students wear. "Clothing" is a more general term that would include both fashionable clothes and uniforms.

A few other suggestions:

- Since you are writing about three points of contrast, the first sentence should reflect that: There **is** are great **difference** differences between the educational **system** systems . . .

- Clarify what you mean by "the student needs to start paying immediately when he or she enters the classroom." Do you mean before starting first grade or before college classes begin?

- The sentence beginning "With our brothers in industrialized countries . . ." just focus on the U.S. because all industrialized countries are not the same, and you are writing about the U.S. compared to Ghana not Ghana compared to all industrialized countries.

- You might be more specific with the sentence, "An average student is considered to be among the best." Average means normal and best is way above normal, a select group or person.

Finally, be sure to run a spell check to catch spelling errors and problems with inadequate spacing.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. Let me know if you have any questions. If you would like a hand-out on run-on sentences or would like to meet face to face, please stop by the Writing Center. I work Tuesday, 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. and Thursday, 1 p.m. to 7 p.m. Good luck on revising.

Take Care,
Maria Darby

see other samples